Spiritual Canvas

I only know the normal of being a 16 year old and giving yourself to another 16 year old. The feelings that followed were not generally identifiable as a new specific presence, but, nonetheless, this interchange radically altered my genetic makeup causing me to become a different person. Trust me, I haven't kept secret how I was changed as if it was something I already knew. How can you know you are different when all you know is who you are? I had a sparkle in my eye. The color of life returned. I now had a place where my sincerest unashamed naked self could be found and acknowledged. That gift, at 16, was the spark to the dry tinder of my soul. I wasn’t looking for some outlet or horny desire, or so I think. I was looking for a mate, in which the raspy sparse cords of my soul could intertwine and find renewed strength in another. Despite all of the built around me pressure to never do what I was doing. I found my hope in doing the exact thing I was told to never do. AND I didn’t ...

I never thought letting go would feel like this. Embarrassed that everyone would see me fail. I promised I would be strong. I couldn’t hold on any more. It hurt too much to say again all the things I said before. Would it be worth it if this time when I faked it I tried even harder to believe? Maybe I’ll see how simple it is and betray my soul, so I can rest inside something hollow and forget lying was not supposed to be an option.  Speaking the words from hidden crevices, despite vastness aimed to glean away meaning. Unlike a broken clock, my words syncopate to there precarious tone. With a force unaware, siphoning the death from the poison. Purpose flows chaotically from a devoid mist. Purpose, to open anew, the ossuary of my resolve.  Gleam with life too brittle to share. Like an old paupers box, keeping all too well, the tattered treasures inside, I am the one to tell. My soul alone testing the limits of my broken respite. Melted long away, to form anew. My intent...

There is only so much I can do for a broken heart, before the next option I have is to let it be broken. You can't fix what wills to continue broken. an unrepented mind will forever choose its own way, broken heart with fixation of grief let alone its hearts beat, to sound like a clock, ticking away, thudding in the empy hollows of the empty chest where once life could flow unimpeded stem the flow now again, timing isn't right, shallow as it is, i'll let the dull sullen ache resume its methodical bouncing tune empty thumping of the broken clock the clock inside my chest broken like your heart you can't fix what isnt yours you can't fix what doesnt know its broken you can't fix me, says all of who I am. no words are needed to let me know that its easier to live everything out, then to face the one thing i never want to see again my reflection in someones face the face of the one, the one through whom all i have ever known, was, the rew...

A lot of times the simple magical things of the Christian story get expedited so they can be used for a certain purpose. The magical perplexing nature of the person that has been promised since the dawn of time, the thought that the act of betrayal for that long awaited drum roll of humanity, would be done with a kiss.... How can that be a punctuated sentence on the way to explaining “the gospel.” No need to stop here kids. Just keep 'em  moving along like cattle so they can get to the part where they are saved by hearing about Jesus. I guess we don't mind losing the value of life, in the service of our blind unrelenting perspective. I think when my sunday school teacher taught me about Old Testament Saul there was laced in the telling a measure of resentment for the character of Saul. Maybe she saw his pride and arrogance, and maybe it reminded her at some level of her blindness she had to her own pride. Match that with the fragrant beautiful mystifying David...

Maybe a lie is incomplete in its offering  Even if it’s a thin packaging to wake someone up to the truth inside of it. We lie to ourselves all day long, Tricking ourselves Manipulating our own minds and emotions To keep up the walls that remind us we are safe Our safest walls are indeed our deepest prisons. We will regret the wall we put up that stops us from living life as free as we hope to. We believe we are free and threaten those who get close to revealing its not true. Knots tied all over Restricting our minds  Until the muscles we once could use Have now atrophied, And in their weakened state we smile believing we have a higher degree of confidence in life Confidence is a breath away from our eyes opening to the outside world which we choose to ignore. Ignorance is bliss. Confidence is at times a hope misplaced. We think our shell we have created Will sustain us forever If you grow too much within that shell You will soon find y...

The typical Christian paradigm is one where output for any problem is a hard answer that is vetted grounded and deemed viable. But that breaks down for us young folks in 2018. We face crossroads where accepting a solution offered to us, has a hidden cost that our non-rational brain knows will have a certain soul nullifying effect. It feels easier to accept the words of someone else, then to listen to your own inner voice. And in 2018, it begins to feel more and more like the source of life comes from within us, rather than through the peripheral mind of someone who's prime was anytime before ours. So the form of your question has a lingering notion of the world of the Christian colossal system that churns out relatively simple answers to the masses rather than guiding people in their individualistic journey. You don't need more answers that are broadly viable to anyone and everyone. You need to have the tools to find your way in a shifting and churning journey of life. I am m...

A formal and bitter complaint has arisen. One whose place is confounded, Yet necessary Regardless. Upper limits meet escape hungrily. Awareness follows the body leading into hopeful positioning. The body, like the future, moves interestingly towards some unknown fixed location. The mind is along for the ride. Resignation to the mind’s current limits, Furrows the bodies attempt to progress past invisible walls. In escaping the minds limits, The body welcomes new ventures, the psyche moves forward tentatively. Like sudden darkness in an unusual place, Our hands reach out grasping for anything familiar. Grating, stinging, burning, as light enters our eyes, Following realization of uncertain conclusion. An unwelcome place is now my certain home. Body lead, Mind followed. Well… Mind found itself following. Better to find yourself as one in an unwelcome place Then comfortable fractured as mind and body apart. Unease slowly wears off as ne...

Could there be value in resentment? Does there need to be a relization of pain and anguish to be able to contrast the need for love? Love absent lack seems muted and taken for granted. How can someone know they need something before they have any ground to understand that they are missing it, isn't that the concept on which the idea of "need" is planted in? Our lives in a glass dome of individuality, we create our own ideas of need and how we need to fulfill them. Our struggle is based in our own perception of our given lack of freedoms and the ways in which we can squirm and wiggle into our own level of freedom. Then people stand outside of the glass of our incubating selfish greenhouse and tell us their judgements on our struggles and goals. Ignoring that their own selfish lair in which they grew out of was an experience that made them who they are. It's easy to point out someones experience as trivial and uneccesary when it isn't yours. resentment at wh...

Editted and expanded: 12/11/2017 Going to church and feeling disconnected is not what I want to feel. I want to feel like all of me is expected to be present and accepted. When the climate of the social structure asks for less than what I feel I am, it leaves me feeling disconnected. I have done very hard emotional, mental, and spiritual work when it comes to my true self. I realized when I was around 23 years old that what I found gross about being a Christian was the duality of how a person, myself included, would act in different situations. So I came up with this theory: “I should be me all the time.” Which means if Daniel doesn’t want to do something one moment, and the next moment I am compelled to do something, it’s good to examine my motivation as to why I am now feeling compelled to do or say something. Because if an external source is my motivating factor then my actions are based on something outside of me. So I came up with an idea at 23, “I don’t want to be a lightswitc...