Spiritual Canvas

Glassless eyes flutter Shimmer depths draping drowning screams Ragged underwhelming Snuffed out presence Dimming as the flows call deeper to plunge As the light above parts further into the everlasting A reaching hand betrays the too late sinking surface away from you. Watch your world plunging into darkness as the load you claimed to be able to endure Drowns you deeper and deeper beneath the fractured surface My allowance is a pittance of suffering. I’ll spend it eagerly and hungrily to satisfy my endless swallowing emptiness Deepening and widening the empty pit. I resent everyone for not helping me when I refused to ask them for help. I hate them for not reading my mind when I lied and said I was fine. This is what your bitterness towards my innocence wanted. You wanted me to end up an undying angel of hope. Hardly you realized, the cost for the eternal. Now I drift not dying in the bottom of an endless scream of drowning existence. Thanks again ...

There is only so much I can do for a broken heart, before the next option I have is to let it be broken. You can't fix what wills to continue broken. an unrepented mind will forever choose its own way, broken heart with fixation of grief let alone its hearts beat, to sound like a clock, ticking away, thudding in the empy hollows of the empty chest where once life could flow unimpeded stem the flow now again, timing isn't right, shallow as it is, i'll let the dull sullen ache resume its methodical bouncing tune empty thumping of the broken clock the clock inside my chest broken like your heart you can't fix what isnt yours you can't fix what doesnt know its broken you can't fix me, says all of who I am. no words are needed to let me know that its easier to live everything out, then to face the one thing i never want to see again my reflection in someones face the face of the one, the one through whom all i have ever known, was, the rew...

A lot of times the simple magical things of the Christian story get expedited so they can be used for a certain purpose. The magical perplexing nature of the person that has been promised since the dawn of time, the thought that the act of betrayal for that long awaited drum roll of humanity, would be done with a kiss.... How can that be a punctuated sentence on the way to explaining “the gospel.” No need to stop here kids. Just keep 'em  moving along like cattle so they can get to the part where they are saved by hearing about Jesus. I guess we don't mind losing the value of life, in the service of our blind unrelenting perspective. I think when my sunday school teacher taught me about Old Testament Saul there was laced in the telling a measure of resentment for the character of Saul. Maybe she saw his pride and arrogance, and maybe it reminded her at some level of her blindness she had to her own pride. Match that with the fragrant beautiful mystifying David...

A formal and bitter complaint has arisen. One whose place is confounded, Yet necessary Regardless. Upper limits meet escape hungrily. Awareness follows the body leading into hopeful positioning. The body, like the future, moves interestingly towards some unknown fixed location. The mind is along for the ride. Resignation to the mind’s current limits, Furrows the bodies attempt to progress past invisible walls. In escaping the minds limits, The body welcomes new ventures, the psyche moves forward tentatively. Like sudden darkness in an unusual place, Our hands reach out grasping for anything familiar. Grating, stinging, burning, as light enters our eyes, Following realization of uncertain conclusion. An unwelcome place is now my certain home. Body lead, Mind followed. Well… Mind found itself following. Better to find yourself as one in an unwelcome place Then comfortable fractured as mind and body apart. Unease slowly wears off as ne...

Editted and expanded: 12/11/2017 Going to church and feeling disconnected is not what I want to feel. I want to feel like all of me is expected to be present and accepted. When the climate of the social structure asks for less than what I feel I am, it leaves me feeling disconnected. I have done very hard emotional, mental, and spiritual work when it comes to my true self. I realized when I was around 23 years old that what I found gross about being a Christian was the duality of how a person, myself included, would act in different situations. So I came up with this theory: “I should be me all the time.” Which means if Daniel doesn’t want to do something one moment, and the next moment I am compelled to do something, it’s good to examine my motivation as to why I am now feeling compelled to do or say something. Because if an external source is my motivating factor then my actions are based on something outside of me. So I came up with an idea at 23, “I don’t want to be a lightswitc...