Why I Feel Alone At Church

Editted and expanded: 12/11/2017


Going to church and feeling disconnected is not what I want to feel. I want to feel like all of me is expected to be present and accepted. When the climate of the social structure asks for less than what I feel I am, it leaves me feeling disconnected. I have done very hard emotional, mental, and spiritual work when it comes to my true self. I realized when I was around 23 years old that what I found gross about being a Christian was the duality of how a person, myself included, would act in different situations. So I came up with this theory: “I should be me all the time.” Which means if Daniel doesn’t want to do something one moment, and the next moment I am compelled to do something, it’s good to examine my motivation as to why I am now feeling compelled to do or say something. Because if an external source is my motivating factor then my actions are based on something outside of me. So I came up with an idea at 23, “I don’t want to be a lightswitch Christian.” Meaning, in one moment I can be “turned on” spiritually and my tone changes and my goals and motivations change and I start acting and behaving a certain way, then at some point that mindset changes and I become “turned off.” With the definition of being “turned off” being live life mode, because mowing the grass and thinking about the eternal ramifications of how the pattern that I cut into the grass is leading people to heaven or hell is an exhausting way to operate. So at 23 with those ideas in mind I made my second attempt at word of life bible institute. So in practicing this new life goal I quickly found that I needed to take ownership of everything I do. Because if my way of acting in normal life doesn’t fit in church life then I need to reevaluate how I am acting in my life, with the converse of that being true as well.






So how does all of that tie into feeling alone at church? Good question. In leveling the playing field between normal life and spiritual/church life it’s taken me a lot of work to get to the point where I am at now spiritually and emotionally. But the hard work has given me the fruit of being more holistic in most of the areas of my life, “most” because it is still a practice that I am working on. So when I go to church where the general expectation is to act in a way more common to the light switch Christian thinking it drains my soul. There is only so much effort that I can put out there to help cut quickly through the nominal christian interaction rigamarole. Which I employ as quickly as possible when interacting with people. For example, when interacting with someone at church and I can tell that they seem like they have potential to become an actual friend, I will slip a swear word into the conversation. I have found that in the desire to cut through unnecessary baggage of who are you and what are you intentions for wanting to talk to me that swearing helps to answer a lot of unspoken questions and then gives relative instant definition to whether or not we have potential to have a real relationship or that our relationship won’t exceed general christian platitudes and niceties, for which I have no need or desire to have. So, shit. And we can go down the rabbit hole of any of this stuff later, I believe I have done my emotional and spiritual homework to be able to produce logic to support most of anything I claim.






Back to church. Like the example I used, it is possible to transcend normal christian culture and go into depth with another while still maintaining a holistic view of “I am me all the time,” but in my current iteration of church it feels like swimming against a deluge and hoping to find a change in the current pushing against me. I sit in church defeated most sundays, because I know that I can’t change the idea that everyone wants a certain version of a person to be present, rather than wanting a whole person to be present, because if we are honest, no one wants a lot of people to be present, because some people are down right ASSHOLES. But it’s the assholes that get the biggest benefit of this culture at church, because then they are not producing evidence of their assholery at church. This culture will be dangerous as long as it isn’t necessary or required that a person to give evidence of their true character. Insert C. S. Lewis quote for emphasis.

“Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is.” C. S. Lewis

When the culture of our christian church doesn't bump us to show our real character we have to realise that we are like a boat drifting on the waters with the crew asleep. We, the church, turn a blind eye to the whole of a person and generaly accept that what they are showing is “good enough.” Maybe for the whole mechanism of church to run smoothly it takes having this mediocre middle ground of social expression, but if the cost of having a “functioning” church is the price of our spiritual well-being, then I think, in that way, we are sacrificing our souls to our hungry selfish flesh and expecting God to respect that and cause us to flourish unhindered by it.





In closing, I would rather be me all the time and offend people by what I do and say. The reason for this? Because if I do something that hurts someone, emotionally or spiritually, I want them to come talk to me. I want to apologize and get things right between me and another person. I want there to be healing and restoration. I want people to live out the life that the Jesus called us to live, He said in Matthew "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” You will win me over everytime, or I will be mad and unreasonable and have to apologize even more later. My soul craves people telling me how I have offended them because I want to make it right. This culture in christianity roots out having to do this because nothing IS offensive, everything has the corners shaved down, and all speech is “above reproach,” that is why I feel alone at church, because I feel like the truth of actually living life is too ugly to be present in God’s display of His church every sunday.