Live in Vindication

My conversation towards myself:


It’s funny how easy it is to dismiss your efforts.


You try so hard,


But I watch, and I know, that you won’t be able to succeed.


It’s kind of embarrassing for how long you have spent failing.


To me, you shouldn’t even try.


You’re failing makes me look and feel bad.


God you can’t even get the little things right.


Shouldn’t you be doing something else anyways.


Look over there and distract yourself.


C’mon,


Go along.


There is nothing for you here.


Look over there, go be a hero for them.


You’ll keep spinning around and look more and more like a fool the longer you stay here.


But over there they will thank you for everything you do.


You’ll feel important and like you matter.


Here? You feel like shit.


Because you can’t even get your own shit right.


You’ll thank me when you trust me.


Trust me. It is so much better to busy yourself with anything other than yourself.


You’ll find out how great a disappointment everything you hope for yourself is.


Why even bother sitting around hoping for the dust to turn into gold?


Look outside of yourself.


Don’t look in, THAT is SELFISH!


You’re so much better than relying on your own strength.


Please don’t try to be your own salvation.


You aren’t your own personal Jesus Christ.


Get away from whatever that looks like.


Don’t focus on you.


That is a waste and a sin.








My response:


You’re right.


I can’t handle myself.


My best efforts look like shit.


I’ll always be broken,


I’ll always be incompatible.


But,


I won’t save myself by saving the world.


I’ll try to save the world,


And I’ll be blinded by my resentment for myself,


And obliterate the thing I am trying to help.


I’m not going to save anyone or do any good, while overlooking me.


And


I


Am


My


First


Priority.


Fuck that noise that I can’t do anything but fail.


Because it's true.


Until it isn't.


You’re right. I can’t wait around expecting this dust to turn into gold.


I won’t expect gold.


I’ll expect dust.


And learn to love living in a world of dust,


Because that world is my own.


I don’t have to be afraid of failing because it may hurt or I will look bad.


I just have to be afraid of not listening to me.


I have to be careful to listen to that voice that is drowned out so easily.


That’s the only voice that truly matters.


Because it's the one I was given.


The one I was designed to have and use.


So Fuck my brokeness. It’s mine.


It’s my home.


I’ll take care of it.





And you can go fuck yourself.