divinity now


I started with the idea that I could help you
That I could make you feel better
That I could help make you whole
Maybe this time my actions would reciprocate
And I would finally have someone help me feel better and whole
The whole process keeps me distracted
Keeps me from feeling like I’m falling apart

Sometimes I have a peaceful relationship with myself and can live in some semblance of harmony
Maybe when I am weaker and let myself make its choices
Then I feel disconnected
And that I deserve punishment and ridicule
I hate how welcome pain has to be in order for me to be okay
But I still wait for that pain
So I can be free
Discipline = freedom

How can I start to explain the blame in me
The blame
For it is my fault I can’t feel loved by the divine
Not his
Its mine
I am the twisted visage meant to be unwarped
For if I was true, then reflected in me
Would warmth show
Divinity
Wholeness and acceptance
Whats left for me to hold
Is a  tattering soul.
I am the abused child blaming himself for the sins of his abusers.
If only I wasn’t me,
Then it wouldn’t hurt like it does.

I don’t know what to do when I don’t have a reason to disdain myself.

The star blazing above
Lighting up the hope around us
A temporary stop
Floods the sky with a blanket
Of darkness
Only to find
Again
That the hope never left us
It was temporarily
Blocked from our view
Like a toddler left alone in the crib
The world hasn’t ended
You’ll feel the love you love again
Oh sun around us
You’re love has never left us
Just a temporary dark cloud above us
Waiting for its moment to move on
To show you never left us.
Again
Your warmth kisses our skin
A reminder of your persistence and presence
I love you jesus


If death brings with it the joy of heaven
Then living now hardly matters
Because salvation is a locked in guarantee
That nothing can stop us from our security
This life is but a vapor
Heaven gets sweet and sweeter
This world is not my home.
I have no attachments here.
Just a better excuse to push everyone away


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