Isolating Reality
Fear holds me back from seeing what I can become.
I live with the constant pressure that what I do will fall flat to the dissapointment of some faceless authority.
I can't stop myself from trying to pretend that I don't care about my own failure.
I make the smaller choices that are easier,
So that I don't have to look so obviously wrong when I make the harder choice and fail.
I actually can't even go to that place in my mind where I have to make hard choices.
I satisfy my itch to need to change, by resolving the problems I find easier to access.
Fixing other people.
Changing how I act, so other people will be content.
I act as if I hold the world of the people around me together.
It's exhausting.
But its more welcoming then facing the place in me where I deepest find my fear untouched.
I realize that I don't believe I am worth my own actions.
The only way that makes sense for How and Why I do things,
Is in the satisfied faces of people around me.
I don't know how to do something without someone else telling me "good job danny."
I feel like something I do in isolation, that someone will never see, is not worth my effort or time.
I hate that I do that.
I'm living like I am waiting for "well done my good and faithful servant" from someone that isn't God.
Honestly?
Living like that makes me feel like a bottomless pit of empty.
Even writing this feels like I am decieving my honest voice, because I will post this, and share this with people...
Still looking to hear that my voice is okay on its own, from the reflection of another.
I'm finding the worth of my own soul in the way someone tells me how I am doing.
I don't lean against anything, that is really mine,
Just borrowed words and satisifed responses of the people that give me worth.
I feel trapped, like a toddler crying in her crib, waiting for the face of a mother, to come in and let her know that the world isn't as cruel as it feels.
Happy mothers day
I live with the constant pressure that what I do will fall flat to the dissapointment of some faceless authority.
I can't stop myself from trying to pretend that I don't care about my own failure.
I make the smaller choices that are easier,
So that I don't have to look so obviously wrong when I make the harder choice and fail.
I actually can't even go to that place in my mind where I have to make hard choices.
I satisfy my itch to need to change, by resolving the problems I find easier to access.
Fixing other people.
Changing how I act, so other people will be content.
I act as if I hold the world of the people around me together.
It's exhausting.
But its more welcoming then facing the place in me where I deepest find my fear untouched.
I realize that I don't believe I am worth my own actions.
The only way that makes sense for How and Why I do things,
Is in the satisfied faces of people around me.
I don't know how to do something without someone else telling me "good job danny."
I feel like something I do in isolation, that someone will never see, is not worth my effort or time.
I hate that I do that.
I'm living like I am waiting for "well done my good and faithful servant" from someone that isn't God.
Honestly?
Living like that makes me feel like a bottomless pit of empty.
Even writing this feels like I am decieving my honest voice, because I will post this, and share this with people...
Still looking to hear that my voice is okay on its own, from the reflection of another.
I'm finding the worth of my own soul in the way someone tells me how I am doing.
I don't lean against anything, that is really mine,
Just borrowed words and satisifed responses of the people that give me worth.
I feel trapped, like a toddler crying in her crib, waiting for the face of a mother, to come in and let her know that the world isn't as cruel as it feels.
Happy mothers day
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