Spiritual Canvas

  As far as reality goes, I've been farther. If you could see all and know all for an instant the barriers of your mind would collapse in on you.  Darkness seems an incompatible mistress and yet for me is the fog from which I emerged found. Having found what I needed, yet still the pull of the dark, a slender grip, found hold around my waist. I clawed with desperate hands at the fabric of the reality around me, hoping I would find some purchase. Alas, my feeble attempt held me aloft a floating miasma of disconcerting remembrance. The pull too strong, I let go. But unlike before I was intact in my integrity.  I, my whole being, plunged towards the dark grips pull.  But this time I faced it gritting my teeth with eyes narrowed in determination. “I will not be undone again.” A challenge for the faceless nameless abyss to master. Let’s just say I went down swinging at nothing. I felt the evil sneer of some hidden forsaken deity claiming me as another option of unredempti...

I stare into the mirror of my soul It screams into the void of my own inadequacy buried into the surface lies the only deception that makes me feel at home I keep blinking my own existance away as if to say that which does not exist has no need to suffer its pain Your lie is so sweet. It's so endearing a way to hold me awake away aware the lie giving birth transluscent suffering emenating from recoiling touch I'll give you permission to burn my walls down when you kill yourself in front of me you're whats wrong with the world a grievence for existance I'll sit here playing the game better than everyone else while i watch the unaware float upwards and onwards a heaping helping of torment sounds more appropriate for what i am disgusting unsusable filth wretching the floor you make everyone else fall and fall you will tumbling.

I started with the idea that I could help you That I could make you feel better That I could help make you whole Maybe this time my actions would reciprocate And I would finally have someone help me feel better and whole The whole process keeps me distracted Keeps me from feeling like I’m falling apart Sometimes I have a peaceful relationship with myself and can live in some semblance of harmony Maybe when I am weaker and let myself make its choices Then I feel disconnected And that I deserve punishment and ridicule I hate how welcome pain has to be in order for me to be okay But I still wait for that pain So I can be free Discipline = freedom How can I start to explain the blame in me The blame For it is my fault I can’t feel loved by the divine Not his Its mine I am the twisted visage meant to be unwarped For if I was true, then reflected in me Would warmth show Divinity Wholeness and acceptance Whats left for me to hold Is a ...

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I keep waiting for God to give a shit about me like everyone said he would. I guess I'll just wait for someone else to tell me how I'm wrong. Thanks for reminding me that I shouldn't even be trying.

Fear holds me back from seeing what I can become. I live with the constant pressure that what I do will fall flat to the dissapointment of some faceless authority. I can't stop myself from trying to pretend that I don't care about my own failure. I make the smaller choices that are easier, So that I don't have to look so obviously wrong when I make the harder choice and fail. I actually can't even go to that place in my mind where I have to make hard choices. I satisfy my itch to need to change, by resolving the problems I find easier to access. Fixing other people. Changing how I act, so other people will be content. I act as if I hold the world of the people around me together. It's exhausting. But its more welcoming then facing the place in me where I deepest find my fear untouched. I realize that I don't believe I am worth my own actions. The only way that makes sense for How and Why I do things, Is in the satisfied faces of people around me. ...