Spiritual Canvas

Fear holds me back from seeing what I can become. I live with the constant pressure that what I do will fall flat to the dissapointment of some faceless authority. I can't stop myself from trying to pretend that I don't care about my own failure. I make the smaller choices that are easier, So that I don't have to look so obviously wrong when I make the harder choice and fail. I actually can't even go to that place in my mind where I have to make hard choices. I satisfy my itch to need to change, by resolving the problems I find easier to access. Fixing other people. Changing how I act, so other people will be content. I act as if I hold the world of the people around me together. It's exhausting. But its more welcoming then facing the place in me where I deepest find my fear untouched. I realize that I don't believe I am worth my own actions. The only way that makes sense for How and Why I do things, Is in the satisfied faces of people around me. ...

My conversation towards myself: It’s funny how easy it is to dismiss your efforts. You try so hard, But I watch, and I know, that you won’t be able to succeed. It’s kind of embarrassing for how long you have spent failing. To me, you shouldn’t even try. You’re failing makes me look and feel bad. God you can’t even get the little things right. Shouldn’t you be doing something else anyways. Look over there and distract yourself. C’mon, Go along. There is nothing for you here. Look over there, go be a hero for them. You’ll keep spinning around and look more and more like a fool the longer you stay here. But over there they will thank you for everything you do. You’ll feel important and like you matter. Here? You feel like shit. Because you can’t even get your own shit right. You’ll thank me when you trust me. Trust me. It is so much better to busy yourself with anything other than yourself. You’ll find out how great a disappointment everything you hope for yourself is. Why even bother sit...